Tuesday, 5 April 2016

But… aren’t I your best friend?


I've been dumped. Or at least demoted

There’s someone else, you see. My “bestie” has found someone else.

Oddly, and in spite of how obvious it’s been, I hadn't really acknowledged this until today.  I think I was in denial, or maybe I was trying to avoid the reality, but there’s been things that, in hindsight, have SCREAMED that I am no longer number 1 (or number 2, or any single digit for that matter) in the friend department, but even so,a recent event really took the biscuit.

I mean, it really, really took the biscuit. And what’s worse, I don’t think the act was noted by the perpetrator (aka “the BFF”). I don't think they realised how what they did affected me. And whilst at first I shrugged it off, it later dawned on me – my eyes finally opened   and I realised...

 You aren't as important to this person as you were, Kartonia.

So whilst I admit, I  may have sat here for the last hour eating a box of Thornton’s continental chocolates, pondering why, how and when this happened, with old photos at my side as I reminisced  the  good times – *sniff * – I am proud to say, I have now put that box of chocolates away.
Yes, that’s right. I've moved away from the box of chocolates, straightened up and had words with myself.

"I'll find myself a new Bestie," 
Yes, that's right. I'll hold vacancies.

Apply here. 




Anyone? ... Hello?  
I'm really nice, I promise.

But, in all seriousness, the fact is, I know people grow apart, I've written about it before, but in this situation, I was the one left behind. It wasn't a mutual thing.  I'm no longer this person's first port of call, even though, they’re still mine. And that, I must admit, isn't a nice feeling.

The truth, however, is people’s tastes change (in my case, it’s more than apparent that I'm no longer top of the menu) and that’s fine. It stings, but its fine.

In these situations, you got to keep moving, keeping smiling, keep being. Immerse yourself in the things you love, and keep reaching, keep making those new connections.

Gaining and having a best friend (and by that I mean that one who you can tell everything to, someone who you cry on the phone to for a good hour without uttering a single word) is AMAZING, And anyone who has one, (and lets be honest, not everyone does, regardless of the amount of friends they may have) will tell you, if you don't know already, that the love you share, the fact that you have someone who you can be your complete and utter self around, is like magic.

But as much as society likes to shunt forth the idea that all forms of love is guaranteed -- I mean, come on. Every character in almost every film, book, and Ad seems to be submerged, if not heading for or coming out of these things -- the truth is, it isn't. It is not guaranteed.

Not everyone will find a partner in crime, or passionate love (sad, I know) whether its in an intimate manner or simply platonic. Many go through  life either not knowing it exists, (sounds bonkers, but it's true) or craving it and never getting it at all.

So I’m thankful that my bestie was my bestie for the time they chose to be, and whilst I may not be top of their list anymore, we’re still friends (I hope) just in different way. I grew with them, learnt from them, laughed with them, and now, with the gems I acquired from that level of the relationship, it’s time to move on with the change and see what’s to acquire from this new level, (even if it is a lower level)
 Because that’s what life is all about, right? Changes. And as much as we like to think that only “up” is good, “up” “down”,  “left” and “right” all have their things to gain from too. We learn and grow from them all.

Love, Kartonia


Sunday, 13 December 2015

The hunt for the one | I love you, You love me not. (Me and the literary agent)

I've done it again. I've fallen head over heels for an agent. A literary agent.

I've done it before, numerous times, and here I am, having ruddy done it again.

You see, as a writer, and aspiring novelist, picking a literary agent who you wish to represent you, and your work is no easy thing. You don't want any Tom, Dick, or Harry-ette. You're looking for the one. The one who you'll spend a career with. And so, in my case, I do my research (which, of course, is a nicer way of saying I stalk them online). I work to find out if we could be a good fit. Do they like what I have to offer? Are they in to New-adult? Do they like Fantasy? I read their wishlists, their Blog posts, and interviews, I look into those they currently represent... and then it happens, I try and fight it, but it just happens. I fall.

I fall head over heels. And so, I lop off the piece of my heart I've been working on (that being my manuscript), I compose a cover letter for it, and just before I submit (with sweat prickling out of my armpits, my palms becoming clammy, and my breaths heavy), doubt creeps in, and I decide to go over everything all over again.

 Surely the won't want me. Maybe I should wait another week, read through my work all over again, and then submit.

But then, another ten weeks go by, and enough. I'm being ridiculous. How long am I going to keep putting this off. Even my doubt is laughing at me. It didn't expect to have me going for this long. And so I march over to the laptop. I'm going to do it, I say. Today's the day. I'M DOING IT.

 My fingers hover over the send button, my heart thumps, fighting to break out of my chest as if it wishes to avoid bearing witness to this car crash. And then...click. I've done it. I've submitted that email, knowing it'll turn up in their mailbox as an attachment Word file (unless of course its preferred that I just paste it into the body of the email.). Then I wait. I wait, and the unrequited love grows.

It starts off slow - I mean, I've been hurt before, you know how it is. I've been turned down, either by being blatantly ignored, or by being given those painful, soul-crushing lines that include, thank you, or many thanks, for sending me "blah blah blah" but unfortunately, or, regretfully, or I'm afraid... And right there and then, it dies. What could have been dies, and I'm left reaching for the pot of ice cream (although it's frozen  yoghurt these days, I'm trying to be a bit more healthier.) and a glass of sparkling wine,

You see, in my world, for those 6-8 weeks (often times more) I've been waiting for this agent's acknowledgement, and or response, with butterflies, and as I stumble upon more of their clients and posts, and words of wisdom and advice, my love for them swells.

Oh my gosh, they just said their reading through their slush pile in this tweet. ... Maybe they'll mention me in a tweet. ... Oh, no, they've just mentioned people not following the submission guidelines in this tweet. Is that me? Did I not follow their guidelines properly. Is our relationships doomed? Is it heading for the rocks? Are we on the rocks? Have I not even the impact to face the rocks?

And then it comes. The email. The response...

Thank you... but... .unfortunately... not suited... keep trying elsewhere

And lump in my throat builds a little. My eyes sting somewhat too. I had loved this agent. I had seen a future, and they took one look, and flicked me aside. They don't want me. *reaches for spoon, heads to the freezer* I gave them my heart, and they took a look and passed. Did it repulse them?  Did he/she chuckle and flick it away? Or was it the wrong time? How could I have gotten them to love me, like I love them? 

How will I ever fall for another agent like this again? 

But then I fix up.  There's plenty more fish in the sea...right? Yes, I think, as I console myself, but that fish count is finite. Panic sets in. Who am I kidding? I can't do this. Why would they fall for me out of the thousand of others chucking pieces of their heart at them? 

The stars, as they say, must be aligned to find this elusive ONE. 
I have to hook them in just the right way, at the right angle, with the perfect hook, made of the perfect material, at the right time, Is that even possible? I'm not the luckiest of people. But the truth is, I can't stop this. This must be done.

And so, I straighten my back, and get on with it. Let me me go back and check my heart (manuscript) for any faults, I say to myself. Let me find what it is that could have turned them off. Let me see what i can fix to make my heart (my manuscript) loveable.

A few months later, and I'm buzzing again. I've found one. I think they may be the One. ... And oh, no... I'm falling.

Tuesday, 27 October 2015

La Diablesse

Ok, so the Notting hill carnival was two months ago now. I waited all year for it, and it came and went in the blink of an eye. Now it's October, for goodness sake, and now Halloween's ruddy knocking at the door.

Lucky, this year, I got to wear the beautiful costume, (designed by Melissa simon-Hartman) entitled La Diablesse, in the Wrath section.

On top of that, I got to extend my partying in this amazing costume, by doing a bit of touring with the whole Carnival/costume shebang. And so, during September, I got to bring, and continue, the party vibes - with costumes, makeup, music,and a whole lot of jumping - to....*Drum roll, please*... Shanghai.
Yes, Shanghai. With Elimu invited, for the sixth year running, to partake in the Shanghai tourism festival, I was lucky enough to join. (More details and pics in the next post).

For now, however, here's Notting Hill Carnival Sunday, and Monday in Elimu, with the makeup looks I created, and rocked, (even if I did have to wake  a good hour - Yes. HOUR - earlier than I wanted to to create it in time,)

I don't know about you though, but I think I'm pretty much sorted for Halloween, no?

Sunday's Makeup look...

Monday's Makeup look...

...and Monday's costumes 

And here I am rocking the La Diablesse costume, in black, with my Mummy, (Band Queen) dressed in white, looking ABSOLUTELY gorgeous, as she waits to put on her back-piece, 

And off we went, partying on the streets of Notting Hill From morning till night.

With the King... 

...and the Queen...

 ...Followed by their loyal subjects...

Thursday, 28 May 2015

The ELIMU Phoenix has risen

Carnival is, yet again, around the corner. And this year, I am soooooo excited, and filled with pride, with the mas band I was born into. ELIMU.

Having been a member of this band since I was a foetus in my mother's womb, ELIMU has only ever been, in my eyes, a band of progression,  For the last few years, however (ever since some of our key designers went off to do other things) things have kind of...well, taken a dive.

Some of the new designers that took hold of the 'head designer' baton where simply overwhelmed, some didn't have the heart for it, or were dipping their toes into an area they had no real desire in, but were doing it simply because they were asked. But enough of all of that. This year, ELIMU has returned to glory.
Melissa Simon-Hartman

One of our former designers, Melissa Simon-Hartman, has decided to slip back into her her rightful role as Designer, and not just designer, designer, but HEAD Designer.

Tiffanni Thompson

Working with Melissa, we also have costumes by Tiffanni Thompson, which, again, makes me so happy. When I was little she was always the creative, artistic type, teaching me how to create the perfect bubble writing and graffiti text (on paper). Now she has cast her spell on us with her 'LUST' section.

A Resurrection has taken place people, and ELIMU has quite rightly noted this as an
 ELIMU Resurrection production.

THE FALLEN is the theme. And there are Seven deadly Sins playing it out. in the form of Sections
Here's a few to wet your pallet... 

ENVY: Section Designed by Melissa Simon-Hartman


WRATH: Section Designed by Melissa Simon-Hartman

'LA DIABLESSE'  (Frontline)

'LA DIABLESSE'  (Midline)

PRIDE: Section designed by Melissa Simon-Hartman

'MEDEA' (Frontline)

'MEDEA' (Midline)

'MEDEA' (Backline)

'JASON' (Frontline)


LUST : Section Designed by Tiffanni Thompson
(frontline - backline costumes)


ELIMU is a family who welcomes all with open arms, so if you're interested in becoming a member of the family for a day or two, and are looking for something exciting to do this summer, why not head over to Elimumas.com and pick a costume from a wider range. 

Don't hesitate, sections are filling up fast.

 I've already picked mine, hopefully I'll see you there.


Sunday, 17 May 2015

Diamonds in the Rough

They say that five good things can happen to you in one day, but that if one bad things happens amongst it, all five good things are forgotten.

Just like that, all of that good gets discounted.

Whilst I have not had five good things and one bad thing happen today, I have had a crappy last few weeks. And by past few weeks, I mean month and a half. And by crappy, I mean crappier than crap. Literally, April, and May so far, has been S*@%. Beyond S*@%. But today, after stumbling into the photo's and video's I took before everything went to pot, I remembered that...

 ...Yes. Life can sometimes knocks you down, and whilst your down it can, and often will, kick you over and over again, and when everything seems to have calmed, and you finally think it's stopped, and you make your way to stand once more...BANG. It'll kick you down again, but when I can (and I say "when I can" because sometimes your head's just too battered in do anything for a bit.) I have to take note of the good stuff, 

We so often miss, or take for granted the small stuff that make us happy, or the good people that surround us or come into our presence,

So right now, I acknowledge the diamonds in the rough. (I know that phrase is used in reference to people with great, but hidden, qualities, but I really feel this fits here, so I'm rolling with it) I  acknowledge those little (or big. I'm in no way discriminatory here) things that pop up, or are always there, but are overlooked, (especially during the crappy times.)

And for me, a good ol' diamond I've been focusing on to get me through, is family.

Mother's day (a good two months ago now) and that look on my mum's face = a Diamond moment.

The way this massive cupcake I made for my brother's 13th birthday turned out so yummy (according to him) and so gorgeous = a Diamond moment

The look on my brother's face when he found, and scoffed, said cupcake = a Diamond moment

The togetherness, and the Frozen cake I was given for my birthday = a Diamond moment.

And there are so much more.

So, even if I can only muster this for a day, today I refuse to feel the weight of my current circumstances. Today, whilst laying here   on this figurative floor, with my face crushed against its oak panels (for some reason it's an oak floor in my mind. Don't ask me why.) I shall acknowledge the greatness amongst all the crap. A shall acknowledge the beauty of the grooves in the oak. I shall find the diamonds in the rough.


Sunday, 5 April 2015


Last summer I spent a week in... VEGAS, baby!!!! 
And I know, I know. I should have filled you in then. but as much I had a story to tell, (shhh shh. "What happens in Vegas..." and all that), I hadn't the snaps to add. But all of that has changed.now. 

From an unknown source, (my cousin), came these little rascals. Photos. Evidence. And it's been a long time coming. 

So, without further ado, here's a snippet of my Vegas adventure in a few snaps. I daren't add the one of me passed out in a bath tub, mind. 

It all started off so sweetly. Here we are at Gatwick airport. "Ooh, Look. There's a massive teddy bear, Lets's go make friends." say's my cousin and I. So off we went.

Having landed in Vegas, the heat was a shock. As we searched for the taxi rank. I stated, '"It feels like when you open an Oven door and get a wafting surge of heat in your face. Except this is constant...and all over my body. Then off in an air conditioned Taxi we went in search of our hotel.

As each night fell, out came our drinks in the hotel room for a little preparation for the nights events...

And so our partying began.

Don't ask me who this guy is. I have no idea.

The day's were often filled with strolling and lounging around, often in search of these alcoholic Slushies.  

Having spent the first two nights at the Paris hotel, we moved to spend the rest of of our holiday in the Cosmopolitan hotel. (it was a lot cheaper that way, trust me). With the hotel being slap bang in the middle of the strip, check out the view that greeted us from our balcony both by day...

......and night

Day: Strolling, lounging, searching for more slushies...

Night: Slap on the make-up, and party.  And Repeat.

We were on a loop, but it was a good'un.


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